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Drained.
-pretend I put a read more cut here-

Work at the new job was long. There’s not much for me to do there…which is somehow more draining than having a lot to do. It’s a mental strain, staring at blank walls in dead silence and pulling staples all day.

I’ve been emotionally upset for like 3 days. Today was probably the peak of that stress. I said some things I probably shouldn’t have. I yelled at my mom. I yelled at my friend. I yelled at my brother. I yelled at myself. Stupid. So tired.

I’ve been “working out” for about two weeks. I was sore, now I’m not. Yet I couldn’t muster the energy to get up and stick with my routine today. What a waste…failure today, hopefully not tomorrow. Knowing me, though…

Guys, life is at a low point right now. Staying positive is so hard. I know I have a lot going for me…but taking the focus away from the negative is something I have always struggled with. I can’t tell the difference between feeling sorry for myself for insignificant things and actually having something serious to worry and stress about. Finding a balance between self love and self criticism is so so difficult. I feel like I am 1000000% too self centered regardless of everything.

I should work on being a better person. But I’m tired.

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Posted at 10:05 PM 14 April 2014

i’ve always toyed with the idea of really buckling down and getting some prints drawn and made and opening an online store. the problem has always been 50% lack of confidence in my skills and 50% laziness. i always seem to let projects fade into the nether after i get too tired…plus i am 100% unknown in the art community lol.

awwww weeeeell. just some thoughts

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Posted at 1:52 AM 31 March 2014

I think I need a good, long crying session. I need that catharsis. Not a little eye watering either…I’m talking rain on my face, drippy nose, chest heaving, open mouth sobbing. Yeeeeaaaahhhh, that’d be awesome.

Also, I want to get some cactus for my room.

Also, I’m starting a new job in a week or so :)

No worries, everything’s going pretty good at the moment. Just, FEELINGS. They’re how you know you’re alive!!

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Tagged with personal,
Posted at 3:03 AM 30 March 2014
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Posted at 10:48 PM 22 February 2014
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Posted at 12:52 PM 19 February 2014

some introspection

i suppose every once in a while it’s good to go over your own good and bad points, if only to both feel better about yourself while also realizing that there’s always room for improvement :)

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Posted at 11:37 PM 22 January 2014

all i want to do right now is draw pretty things and then color those pretty things but all i’m doing is staring at this sketchbook and frowning at all the SHIT THAT IS APPEARING AT THE END OF THIS PENCIL AND GOD DAMN IT THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING WHY CAN’T I JUST DRAW AND COLOR PRETTY THINGS FRICK

F   R   I   C   K

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Posted at 10:48 PM 07 January 2014

this is a vent, please ignore.

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Posted at 8:53 PM 01 January 2014

Out of a top possible score of 12, my love languages are:

10 - quality time
9 - physical touch
7 - gifts
3 - words of affirmation
1 - acts of service

Iiiiiiinterestiiiiiiing. I’m surprised at how high physical touch is and how low words of affirmation are. Go figure :)

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Posted at 1:08 PM 29 December 2013

I went on a first date and tasted romantic rejection for the first time in my life earlier this week. After the initial shock (we got along really well, had a great date, and had a LOT in common), I was a bit confused and seriously dejected…my self esteem took a bad hit.

But then I realized!! It wasn’t me. He told me he didn’t feel a connection. Is that my fault? No. He also told me I am an amazing woman…just not for him. I respect that. I’m awesome. He was really sweet. But not any two people will have that “connection”, whatever that means.

So basically now, I’m okay. It hurt, but I learned from it. I was myself, which is important, and that meant we found out we weren’t a good fit….saving me a lot of potential heartbreak later. Yes, this was a good learning experience. It sucked (and still kinda sucks), but still a good experience.

Back to being single with zero prospects, though…sigh. I’m kind of tired of being single -__-

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Posted at 3:11 AM 28 December 2013

I let a coworker look through one of my sketchbooks at work and she was trying to tell me how creative I was

And I just sat there and looked at all the almost identical floating heads on the page and laughed in her face

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Tagged with personal, art tag, drawing,
Posted at 4:38 PM 27 December 2013

I am 92% sure that a certain one of my coworkers has a crush on me and, while I find the idea cute, I am not at all attracted to this dude and just please god NO. He’s very nice but he is almost a foot shorter than me and he doesn’t speak English too well and pleeeeeease I don’t want to hurt his feelings so I just ignore it or act clueless every time he passes me and mutters that he likes me under his breath in Spanish or that one time he got tipsy after work and asked me if I’d like to be his girlfriend in Spanish or that time the other Hispanic dudes started teasing him because he always acts shy when I’m around. I don’t want to deal with this but I get the feeling he might actually ask me out soon and NOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEASE DONT ;___; I don’t want to hurt your feelings plus WE WORK TOGETHER PLEEEEASE DONT MAKE MY WORK ENVIRONMENT AWKWARD

I’m considering becoming a teacher. I have private tutoring experience and I actually enjoy helping others understand stuff. God only knows I don’t really have any other direction for my life at the moment. I’ve been working at a sushi place for almost a year now, with no real plans for a change. The thing is…teaching certification is like a 2 year, $5000 commitment. And after that, if I teach for 5 consecutive years at a low income school, I can have several thousand dollars of my federal student loans forgiven (I have over $85,000 left in debt at this point, both federal and private). So yes, that is absolutely a huge plus.

But….I thought I would be in Korea by now. Experiencing the world. At the very least, I thought I would be out of my parents’ house by this point. I’m not ready to commit and settle into a career. I don’t know if I even LIKE teaching. I’ve only ever done one on one tutoring, which is reeeeeally different from teaching large groups of kids. Another thing: what if I suck at it? One on one settings are great because I can give individual attention to specific things my students need help with—teaching groups doesn’t have that luxury. How do I know if I’m getting through to students? What if I’m confusing as hell? I hated sitting in classes with teachers who I thought didn’t know what the hell they were doing. But now IM THE ONE WHO DOESNT KNOW WHAT THE HELL IM DOING. SHIT.

-BREATHES HEAVILY-

I dunno, man. I dunno what to do. There’s an informational meeting in like, 3 weeks at a community college nearby. I guess I’ll start there.

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Posted at 2:18 AM 26 September 2013

100% uninspired….

Sigh

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Posted at 4:24 PM 25 September 2013

I haven’t made (or had any dealings with, really) any OCs for a while. I feel like making a few. Should I dig out an old story from my idea notebook or come up with something new? Just thinking about it is making my insides bubble with excitement and anticipation…lalalalaaaaa new characters new characterssssss~~~

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Posted at 10:03 PM 26 August 2013